A friend messaged me this the other day and it took me a while to answer because this is a very, very common feeling when you first start therapy—even as a therapist.

I asked them for permission to share this because I feel like everyone needs to hear this—not just in the context of therapy, but in life as well.

We imagine self-work as a slow and straight climb upward. But real self-work, the kind that actually propels growth and healing, is like a bag of old, junky wires. We need to untangle old knots, look at what we have, and decide what we need to keep. Similarly, healing involves untangling old knots and breaking patterns, but this process can often look like a spiral. One step forward, two steps inward.

Here’s a thought: What if the mess is part of the progress?

Healing Can Feel Like Demolition

of numbing emotions and suppression of actual feelings. Therapy isn’t a quick-fix solution that can plaster over old cracks and fill the void with some super cement. It’s a space that holds up a mirror—sometimes gently, sometimes not—to parts of ourselves we’ve long avoided. It’s a chance to finally take a look at the messy, the not-so-aesthetically-pleasing.

You might start therapy hoping to “feel better.”
But sometimes, what comes first is feeling more: grief, anger, guilt, confusion. These aren’t setbacks. They’re signs that the emotional numbing is lifting, that you’re beginning to contact the real material underneath the coping. Insight often precedes change. But insight isn’t always pleasant. It’s the discomfort of seeing patterns clearly for the first time, like recognizing that you overwork not just from ambition, but from a fear of not being enough.

Similarly, healing is not the same for everyone. It could look like:

• Crying more before you learn to self-soothe.

• Feeling distant in relationships before you learn to connect authentically.

• Noticing your inner critic louder than ever—because you’re finally listening.

Think of this as a “U-shaped curve of change.” In the early stages of deep work, things can feel more chaotic. It doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. It means something’s being stirred. Culturally, too, when silence is often safer than expression—this emotional surfacing can feel foreign or even wrong. But growth often begins with disorientation.

If you’re in therapy or are planning on re-starting, here’s a small journal prompt to help you track progress in a deeper, gentler way:

This week, reflect on one of these questions:

• What have I started noticing about myself that I hadn’t before?

• What feels harder now—but might actually be more honest?

• What inner truth have I begun to name, even quietly?

The Courage To Be Disliked: How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness
by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Book

In a deeply invoking conversation between a young man and a philosopher, this book pushes one to think about “blocks” and “dead-ends” from a different perspective, a complete 180.

Mind if we talk?
by BetterHelp and Haesue Jo
Video Podcast

A deep dive into the textures and contours of being in therapy and experiencing untangling. Ideas of therapeutic wisdom and other relatable topics covered in this podcast are comforting and warm when feeling down.