“Why can’t you be more like my mother? She’s always so patient, so understanding.”

As a therapist, I’ve heard many versions of this line over the years; sometimes from men, sometimes from women. It often follows a deep silence. The exact desire varies – strength, softness, sacrifice, warmth – but the underlying feeling expressed is often the same.

‘I want you to love me the way I was loved before or the way I wish I had been’

The subconscious scripts we live by

Often, we enter relationships carrying invisible scripts, expectations shaped by the love and care we witnessed or yearned for growing up. In many Indian families, these scripts are subconsciously ingrained: for women, to be endlessly patient and giving; for men, to be strong, silent providers.

And our early familial relationships, often very intense, define love, care, sacrifice as synonyms of each other.

And we expect these intense sacrificial displays to play out the same way in our love lives. Again, unknowingly. We’re quietly comparing partners to parents.

“My mother never raised her voice.”
“My dad was always calm.”

These comments out of context don’t feel heavy. But imagine how they sound to your partner.

“Why can’t you be as quiet as my mother?”
“You’re always so angry and impulsive”

You’re not alone if you find old family dynamics sneaking into your relationships. That’s something Psychologist Harville Hendrix’s Imago Theory captures so well. It explains how we unconsciously seek out partners who resemble our primary caregivers, hoping to heal old wounds. But without awareness, we don’t heal, we just repeat.

So, how do you attempt to heal old wounds?

Pay gentle attention to moments you overreact, feel overwhelmed, or can’t explain your emotions—these are often clues to older wounds. Look at recurring struggles in relationships or situations that stir up outsized reactions in you.

Remember, you don’t need to identify every wound to start healing. Simply being willing to notice and stay curious is a powerful first step.

If this spoke to you, then, this week, ask yourself:

• What qualities did you admire in your parents growing up?

• Which of those qualities do you see in yourself today?

• Are you expecting your partner to have those same qualities or handle things the same way?
  Or are you really meeting them where they are and for who they truly are?

This kind of reflection helps you see if you are relating to your partner as a person, or to an old pattern or voice from the past. Take a moment with these questions, just gentle curiosity about what you discover.

If you would like to read more about this, here are a couple of recommendations:

Hold Me Tight

by Dr. Sue Johnson
A compassionate, evidence-based guide on how early attachment patterns shape our romantic relationships, and how we can change them.

“Emotional Labor Is Not Love”on The Swaddle
A sharp look at how romantic expectations in Indian households are often shaped by the caregiving roles we grew up around.

What’s Coming Up for You?

We would love to hear what this brought up for you.
Did it spark a new thought or feeling for you?
Drop us an email at team@moonminds.in. Your voice really matters to us.